Baby no longer has a heart beat :(

2 weeks ago I went and saw my ob. I was measuring a few days behind but bub had a heart rate of 160 bpm so it was definitely a healthy heart beat.

In between time I had decided to change obs for a better fit one. Yesterday I saw my new one. After all the issues id been through we had some good discussions on what to expect next time options etc. We seemed happy with everything she was saying. Next was time for scan time.

I laid down on the bed and she started to scan. I could see bub nice and clear but she kept going, kept searching for something. I couldn’t see the little thump of the heartbeat, the little flicker we saw last time, the little bit of movement she was looking for. she kept searching and asked if I could empty my bladder so she could do a internal. I had to walk down to the toilet which seemed ages away. I knew she couldn’t see a heartbeat I knew at 9+1 I shouldn’t need an internal, I knew something was wrong.

I walk back into the room and hubby and her are laughing. I lay down again and she tries again.. this time I know something is wrong for sure she puts on blood flow and sees nothing. Our baby has no heart beat 😦

The tears start flowing….. the unimaginable is happening, my baby is no longer alive.

we have to discuss options. after everything that happened last December I thought I didn’t want surgery. Next thing i’m hearing about the pain involved in taking the medication, when I hear I would be given endone I go no way i’m doing that. plus hearing the maxalon I would probably need for the feeling sick I would experience. what I went through in that 2 minutes of finding out I couldn’t drag that process through at home and in pain. I can handle pain I had a natural drug free delivery but I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t handle feeling the pain again. I decide i’ll have the surgery.

Its 130pm and at 4pm today i’m heading to the hospital to get ready to undergo a D&C. I just want to put the pain behind me the pain of knowing my baby isn’t alive.

Once again December is a horrible month. last year I needed surgery and spent Christmas in hospital. This year I thought i’m pregnant I get to celebrate it with my son, all is right with the world again. But now this now on Christmas day i’ll be reminded of more pain, more sorrow in whats meant to be a happy time of the year.

i’m sure this pain will go away i’m sure i’ll eventually have a baby but for now I can’t even talk to anyone besides my husband as i’m pretty sure i’m going to burst into tears.

Once again its December and i’m thinking bring on the new year. bring on 2016 and new happy memories!

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