Our bub is now gone :(

Yesterday afternoon wasn’t easy. The thought of going in for surgery to get rid of our baby that no longer had a heart beat was tough. Our little ‘mulberry’ was 9 weeks old. the excitement we had felt in the 5 weeks since we found out had filled us with excitement for what was to happen.

I spent yesterday still feeling morning sickness, then feeling sick from having to fast then feeling sick from fear of surgery. I just couldn’t believe what was about to happen, I guess I was hoping it was just a bad dream 😦 I hadn’t had any bleeding, I felt pregnant there was no signs besides no heart beat. But ofcourse it was the truth.

Yesterday afternoon we made our way to the hospital and I was dropped off. I checked in and the waiting began. it seemed like a long wait in the waiting room till I was called to the back. Once I was back there everything seemed to happen pretty fast and the questions started, what was I in for, why was I needing a d&c, how many weeks was I. Then there was the questions about what happened last year, how I got toxic shock, how long was I in hospital etc. Then there was the small chat they were all trying to make to distract me I guess. I was really starting to get nervous. after last years surgery I was freaking out about if something went wrong. Every time I saw my OB she seemed to look at me with sadness for me, I just really wanted it all to be over.  Before I knew it I was in the operating room and out of it.

Next i wake up and i’m in recovery. i feel a bit out of it but they have already given me a heat pack to help with the pain. i was feeling a lot more uncomfortable then i thought so i was given some pain relief. Because it was a narcotic i was then told i would have to stay for 2 hours to monitor me for reactions. i needed oxygen but then they tried me without it and i was fine. Best news was that they were going to bring my husband in since i had a bit of a wait. Once he was in i was feeling much better, i felt more alert and not soo alone. The staff were great and helped us out soo much. next thing i know they needed to get me a Anti D needle which i was worried about but ofcourse didn’t hurt. after that was home time yay! i got dressed was given some more pain tablets which they said might make me tired (that never happened). By 10pm we were home.

We debriefed and talked about it all for the next hour or so. Our son was over at the inlaws for the night so it made it soo much easier. i was in a little pain but nothing not to be expected. it was just bad as it kept reminding me of what happened. i was wide awake but was hoping i would sleep well. i think i got a couple hours sleep but then was awake again and ended up getting more a bit later in the morning. My brain was just going full ball about thinking about everything that has happened in the last 2 days.  This morning my morning sickness seemed to have gone and i could even eat a bowl of cereal that i haven’t been able to for the last week. i guess my body knew what had happened 😦

I still get teary thinking about it but it will just take time. I just really hope that next time we get a bub that is perfect as i don’t know how many times i could go through this again. I now realise until you go through it you don’t really understand.

because of my toxic shock syndrome from last year I’ve been checking my temperature just incase anything is changing but i’m feeling good so hopefully it stays that way.

now we just need to try and recover from this and move on. I hadn’t taken any belly shots yet this pregnancy, maybe i knew or something. we are going away for a few days so i’m hoping it will help things return to normal somewhat and help us move on and handle it.

Christmas is going to be bittersweet as i thought we would be expecting baby number 2 and have a great Christmas together. now that has all changed. We won’t forget about our little ‘mulberry’. i always thought it was a girl cause things just felt different but who knows.

I’m glad the experience of the d&c is over with and that it has helped us to move on and accept everything. We have grown together a lot through this and will take ages to forget about it. Our poor little bub 😦

just before I went into theatre I had a moment to rub my belly and say ‘bye bye little mulberry’.


3 thoughts on “Our bub is now gone :(

  1. *hugs* it does get better. I know that doesn’t seem like it means much now, but I’ve been there twice and had a D&C just a few weeks ago. I wish you a speedy recovery.

      • The D&C has been much easier than the D&E I had in April. Less bleeding and the hormones are dropping much faster. I think I just prepared myself more for the worst this time too. Certain things are definitely triggers, but I am not so lost in the sorrow. Definitely sad, but not depressed. I’m buying miscarriage remembrance ornaments for my lost little ones. Doing things to not forget helps. As does much binging on Netflix.

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