Finally seeing the light at the end of the week

What a week we have had….. It feels like a week from a nightmare that I keep going to wake up from. 

On Saturday I was soo tired I couldn’t manage to get anything done I was floored by morning sickness and pregnancy as a whole… I was  8+5. I knew it was just a few more though weeks then things would ease a bit. I want sure how I was going to make it through Sunday with such a busy day planned.  First it was having to his being pregnant around family which I thought I managed quite well…. Later found out that I didn’t look crash hot haha. Got home did some stuff and managed to get through an arvo with friends.. Who knows how bad I must of looked if it was a little obvious in the morning.  Everyone had a beer I didn’t and I was quite pleased i managed to get through the day. 

Monday I was 9 weeks! I managed to somehow get through the day was feeling pretty flat again. The days of not eating great and especially not eating breakfast properly was getting to me.  I just kept thinking only a few weeks. It had been a few hot days which hasn’t helped. I got up the Christmas tree that morning which I was impressed with somehow with a toddler wanting to play with everything.  He pushed over the water cooler and made a big mess oh it was a tough day.

Tuesday morning I went right I’ll walk to the shops,  get a few things before it got too hot.  I managed that.  The in laws were heading over as it was our first appointment with our new ob.  I couldn’t manage to eat my lunch so I decide a green smoothie,  good solution.  I was still feeling average but I got myself out of the door.  I picked up hubby and we were on our way to the appointment.

It was such a great appointment,  new doc was great.  All my concerns about delivery were going away,  I was getting plenty of answers and we got felt comfortable.  Everything was seeking good again and back in control. 

Then it all turned to shit…. Then we found out our baby no longer had a heart beat.  It was such a raw emotion,  like a big band aid being ripped from our lives.  We knew there was always risks before 12 weeks but finding out like this while I was still suffering morning sickness,  it just felt wrong. Even last Christmas when I woke up Christmas morning in ICU I was still able to hide my tears and not cry when a nurse was in the room.. But this was different I was laying down and the tears were streaming out.  It was soo raw there was no hiding it. I’m not sure if I’ll forget that moment.

Now it’s Friday afternoon,  only 3 days since hearing the news,  2 days since having my d&c.  It definitely is getting easier but it just feels like it’s a dream.  Last December was soo bad we went through soo much I really thought because of everything that happened then that this was going to go smoothly for us… Guess I was nieve. 

I have avoided talking about it over the phone to anyone.  I can text as I guess it’s easier to hid emotion and you can pause if it’s getting too much.  Saying it makes it real.

We are away for the weekend with our 18month old. By Sunday arvo hopefully we are relaxed and everything feels a bit more normal again… Hopefully we will have caught up on sleep too!

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