Five days… Pain is still there

5 days…. Has it seriously only been almost five days since we found out the news… Feels like it’s been a long few days. 

It definitely is getting easier but reminders still happen.  Last night was a big one.  My grandma passed away when I was 5 weeks pregnant,  I remember going with ‘death comes life’.  I remember thinking that my bub had that special bit of my grandma with him /her.  Then I realised it wasn’t too be and that special memory I was going to have was gone,  erased,  doesn’t mean much now.  I remembered this on the month anniversary of my grandma passing away…..

Alot of things have been going through my head and I’ve googled a lot of course but seriously how am I part  of the 1% of pregnancies that end in missed miscarriages… How do I manage to fit into these categories… The rare chance of having my episiotomy not heal properly,  then the rare chance of needing it fixed in surgery,  then the rare chance of getting toxic shock syndrome from it.  Now the rare chance of having a missed miscarriage.  The last 12 months can go bite me!  I tried my rare chance at winning lotto… It didn’t work.

So I’ve realised my body is usually slow at cycles do if I allow that it’s going to take 3 months for my cycle back (took that long after stopping breastfeeding) then a extra couple months to fall pregnant then an extra couple months till I’m  12 weeks pregnant it’s going to be a long start to the year! Maybe by July I’ll be in the safe zone… We had timed being pregnant away from summer away and at a time of year that worked good.. Don’t think we will worry about all that this time.  It will happen when it happens.

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