1 week on ….

In 1 1/2 hours it will be 1 week since we found out the news our baby’s heart had stopped beating .. 1 week ago everything was turned upside down.

Emotionally yes its getting better but its still hard. Its December 8 and what I should be doing is getting excited about Christmas but i’m finding it a bit difficult. I haven’t yet found my Christmas spirit for the year. The tree went up the day before we found out. Yesterday I put up a few Christmas lights but I just need to get into the Christmas cheer more.

Physically it is getting easier although yesterday I was in a bit of pain and bleeding decided to start a bit YAY. My face has also been going crazy, all these now redundant hormones and my body doesn’t know what to do with them! ahh I can’t wait for it all to go. I do feel somewhat normal again .. no morning sickness and a few headaches here and there. I am seeming to get my energy back again.

I know this happens to people all the time but its just so hard to go through. Some people are very sympathetic and I think others don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything.

I still remember that afternoon finding out the news. I then wanted to bee line for the door and get out of there. lucky hubby went and sorted the bill .. which there wasn’t one as they bulk billed it. I remember standing outside trying not to cry but there were tears just coming out my eyes I just wanted to cry and for it to be over. we couldn’t contact our baby sitters, they weren’t answering their phone so we pulled up outside our house, hubby went in to tell them and ask if they could stay out the way so I could just go to our bedroom. I stayed there for the next while, crying thinking, crying, being sad. Its hard not to feel responsible or not feel like there was something that I did that caused it. I know there answer is these things happen but seriously it was my body that let it happen.

17 days till Christmas, there are heaps of reasons to be happy we have each other and we have our health but its just taken away a bit of the magic of Christmas .. the magic I was hoping to restore since being in hospital last Christmas, the Christmas I should be experiencing being the 1st Christmas morning i’ll get to spend with my husband and son together at home! i’m sure i’ll snap out of it soon enough to enjoy it.

 

 

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