I feel free again

On Monday I had my d&c ..

The d&c went well but the next day I was pink in the face and chest, hubby was freaking out, what if it was toxic shock happening again. he was ready to put me in the car and take me to the hospital, he was concerned. I reassured him that I felt fine.. last time I did not feel fine! in the end the rash went away and my temperature never got high, just our level of concern and awareness. I’ve decided the general anesthetic also gives me insomnia .. 3 out of 3 times now I’ve had really bad nights sleep the night after a general, i’m wired, i’m awake and definitely not tired!

Now that its all over it now feels final. I feel that I am some what free, I feel that this weight that has been on my shoulders for the past month is finally lifting. I know that soon enough it will all be over and life will be back to normal again. Yes right now i’m tired, bit bloated, getting the bad skin but its all signs its going to be over. All I want now is for my cycles to get back to normal and my body to get a real chance at doing what it needs to so that next time round is our perfect baby. It scares me to think of next time, it scares me to think that this could happen again, it scares me to think that this journey is still going for us.

Last August we started trying for baby number 2. If all went to plan straight away we could of had two kids with birthdays in May .. now its coming up to my sons 2nd birthday in a matter of weeks and i’m not even pregnant! Ah how things we plan don’t turn out that way. We want to wait a few cycles and make sure everything seems perfect before trying again but then its summer and I don’t really want to be 8 months pregnant in the middle of a Australian summer, that would be crazy. So then we wait a little longer and even if we were to start trying beginning of july that just seems ages away. 3 months is plenty of time to get my body back good again but it will be a long wait mentally filled with doubt of if it will ever happen and everything along those lines. One day i’ll have a little baby in my arms and it will be a very special day.

The next few months  busy, eat healthy etc. I have my sons 2nd birthday to plan, I might even start running for a 5km event in june, all this to better myself in between time I guess. I just really really really need the 3rd time to be our lucky one to be a perfect but or else I don’t know what it will do to me, I think i’ll feel broken. Hopefully the next few months fly by and before long i’m pregnant again!

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