When I think back on the last 2 years I think how lucky we are to have such a special amazing almost 2 year old and how lucky I was to fall pregnant so quick and for a easy pregnancy. Then I wonder what changed over the last 16 months and how did my luck some how turn so bad, how did it turn from all these magic amazing things happening to a lot of amazingly unlucky events. I wonder is everything just waiting for the moon s to align again and for something I don’t know needs to happen first? I really wonder.
16 months ago it all changed, first it was a major storm went through and caused a lot of damage to our house and I happened to be home alone with my 6 month old son at the time. Windows were breaking water coming in and I had a crying baby in my arms! Then I had worries of gas pipe leakages all while my husband was stuck on a train and I was trying to put my baby to bed. I thought that was bad enough but really it was the easy part of the next year.
Not even a month later I find out I need surgery and i’m assured i’ll be fine before Christmas. Surgery rolls around a week later and I go home that afternoon. The next day everything falls apart, i’m in emergency and things aren’t right I have low blood pressure, I have a sunburn rash, I have a really high pulse and all I felt like doing was sleeping. a few hours later it was off to icu for me and a couple days later found out it was Toxic Shock Syndrome. I was a lucky one and after a week I got to go home. It took me a bit to be back to normal again.
Months went past and we decided to start trying for our second bub. Same as last time 2nd month trying and i’m pregnant!! we are ecstatic .. 4th of July Due date. Then a few weeks laer, beginning of December, we find out that the baby no longer had a heart beat .. 2 weeks earlier it did. It was a hard emotional thing to get over and not even a month after my grandma had passed away. But we some how get our selves up again and get on with Christmas and everything else.
We decide to start trying straight away as I just want that void of loss filled. It starts off as a strange pregnancy, I have what I thought was my period so it caught me off guard that I was pregnant. But it only lasts a few days and I start bleeding and the bleeding starts and stops every few days. Finally i’m told I’ve had a blighted ovum. I decide against the surgical curette and opt for a drug option after all it had only been 2 months since my last one. This appears to start working n I have retained product and end up having to have a curette anyway .. could of just had it to begin with and saved myself weeks of pain. In between time I miss out on swimming on our beach holiday, I feel horrible, I’m not my normal self so it seems a bit of a wasted holiday in the end for me but the other two had a great time so that’s all that matters!
Now i’m in limbo I’m waiting for my first period since the d&c and its seeming to take forever to even appear, this whole process this time is dragging on and on. But now we are somewhat scared about everything that has happened. Part of me just wants to get back on the band wagon and fill the void once again but then the smart side of me just wants to let my body get back to normal to some degree. Hubby wants to wait a few months as he thinks my body wasn’t ready to try again. The other part of me goes I just want the 3rd loss over and done with so it can be investigated. But what it really seems needs to happen is I somehow need my luck to change I somehow need reassurance that its all going to be fine this time. If I have a 3rd loss I don’t now how to go on and try again. Every time its physically and emotionally puts me down. I told a few people about my first loss but not many about this one, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or think I can’t make a baby or think who knows what people who haven’t had a miscarriage think!
Around me I have daily reminders of it all and I even have my mum going on about who is pregnant and the baby boom that’s going on (yes she never had a miscarriage so doesn’t realise she should shut up). I just want to be pregnant again and no i’m not a failure. The thought of waiting till July is forever but the thought of trying sooner and having another loss is harder. I don’t want my son to be a only child I just want one more baby and then i’m done but I just wish I knew that it would turn out all good.
I just wish I knew what to do and how i’ll know its time to go again and that my luck has changed.