36 Weeks!

I can’t believe i haven’t done a post in ages, time has literally got away from me. Everytime I say i’m going to something distracts me.

So today i’m 36 weeks! My son was born at 37+1 so pretty much i’m on watch alert to see if anything might be signs of things happening soon eek.

I’ve been pretty lucky and I seem to breeze through this part of pregnancy without too many dramas. I’ve had a few back issues, few bouts of reflux, moments of tiredness etc gas has been my worst thing hahaha but its all been pretty good.

Now i’m hitting the bittersweet moments when all I want is to be holding my baby in my arms and finally meeting her but at the same time I want to savour the last few weeks of being pregnant as this is our last baby. its a happy sad moment that’s for sure.

I have most things ready for bub, her room is ready, my bag is packed and in car so its almost just a waiting game till d day! exciting and very nerve wrecking, I really just hope I don’t need stitches or anything this time!

24 Weeks today!

Things have seemed hectic the last few weeks, I don’t think I even updated post scan!!

Yesterday my little boy turned 3! it does seem ages ago now that I was holding him in my arms and now hes a crazy active 3 year old who runs around. He had the best weekend, a birthday party and a day out.

So it must be 4 weeks since my scan wowser, every time I’ve gone to sit down to write a post I’ve got distracted. All went well her measurements were all over the place big head, small arms and legs etc. I can’t imagine shes going to be a big baby. All that was picked up at the scan was a cyst in brain which is a soft marker but as nothing else was picked up we have been told they will probably just disappear before shes born.

Everything has been going well, I haven’t felt too bad, I had heaps of energy and was getting stuff done… we have even started to set up babies room but now post birthday weekend I’ve crashed and back to feeling flat.

I keep trying to plan ahead and have everything ready early this time considering our boy was born at 37 weeks she might arrive early too! My guess is she will arrive 11 days early and arrive on August 17 but we will see 🙂

Now its really sunk in that we are having a baby after the whole journey to get here its seemed like it would never happen but here I am 24 weeks pregnant. Hopefully everything continues to go well and I get through my work the next couple of months and have a little bit of rest time before she arrives (as much rest time as I can with a 3 year old!!)

I can’t stop smiling!

Yesterday I had my ob appointment and scan. I had been feeling at ease the last few days about it all which was weird. yesterday morning the nerves started though!

Went into obs room a few bits of chit chat, said I was a little nervous when I didn’t feel sick etc so she decided to just do the scan to check all is good! I was watching very very closely I just wanted to see the flicker and there it was I could see it!! hubby didn’t see it straight away though but we were telling him it was there .. phew relief! then it was time to measure. measurements were spot on!! yay a couple were a day or so short but it was in my acceptable difference. the relief I felt, the happiness I felt it was amazing.

I was on cloud 9 all day, now it feels real, it feels like its going to happen!! 8+2 with a heart beat, surely its going to be a sticky one this time!!

12 week scan will be in another 4 weeks or so and then I can relax even more. I can’t believe its finally happening!!

Lightning doesn’t strike twice does it?

So two nights ago I was having some really awkward cramps right near my hip, they felt different to gas pains. I was having a little freak out yesterday so I decided to go to the gp. She was obviously concerned at the small chance of ectopic so she sent me for a scan.  Hubby came with me.

First was the abdominal scan which showed the heart beat and showed bub in the right place measuring at 6+1. Yesterday I should of been 6+6. Then it was time for the internal scan yay. It was the most painful internal scan I’ve had she was really pushing and making me sit up on my hands ouch. scan didn’t show much better best she measured was 6+2. I’m a bit devastated at that its almost taken away from seeing the heart beat.

I know the day I ovulated because I was charting. I was expecting to be maybe a couple days behind but not 4 or 5! With my first missed miscarriage my first scan I was measuring 6 days behind. The last couple of days has seen me start to loose my pregnancy symptoms. Friday / Saturday I had full on morning sickness (not spewing luckily) but now its pretty much non existent. bloating has decreased, gas is decreasing, nipples are still sensitive though.

My first ob appointment is next Thursday that’s 9 days away. i’m preparing myself that’s its going to happen again that there will no longer be a heart beat that something will once again be wrong with bub. I know its really bad thinking this way but why are my symptoms going again ahhhh. please please little bub prove me wrong next Thursday!!

What a week it has been!!

I’ve been meaning to update on everything that’s happened and in the last week the story has got bigger.

Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my obgyn. She decided that we would have a few test run and I would get a Saline Sonohysterogram. I got this booked in for the Wednesday after the Christmas break but due to all the public holidays if my period was a day late I would have to reschedule as I would be out of the allowable window. I got my 21day bloods back that afternoon and all was good.

On sunday I was having a Christmas lunch with family so I knew I would test early to make sure before I had Chrissy food etc. I woke up Friday morning 10dpo and decided to test… I was in shock it was positive! no way did I believe it so I tested a few hours later, positive again!! I tested the next few mornings to be sure and sure enough it was getting darker!! My period was due yesterday and nothing, not a spot of bleeding. I went to drs yesterday to get my initial bloods done and hcg etc. I forgot to ask to have the results waiting for me to ring etc oh well I guess I don’t really need to know a number!

My obgyn appointment is scheduled for the 19th January .. that’s 4 1/2 weeks away ahhh its going to be a long wait. Lets hope the next 4 1/2 weeks are incident free! I still can’t believe i’m pregnant!! Tomorrow is 2 years since the surgery that caused my toxic shock. I got my little Christmas miracle!! now stick little bub!! Bring on 2017!

 

The fear of the future unknowns can be scary

I’m currently 7dpo which means i’m in the middle of my TWW. So as usually every symptom is being questioned, every temperature I record is being analysed, every everything is being questioned.

We are going away this weekend with family for a celebration, which means there will be alcohol. Originally AF was meant to arrive on Saturday so I would of know if it was UTD or not by the time we went but I ovulated late this month. Now i’m tossing up the whole do I have a few half glasses of wine or do I not have any and risk family thinking oh maybe shes pregnant which I don’t want to happen. I never drink in my TWW so its new to me. I could test before I go on Saturday morning but i’m scared, i’m too scared to test, i’m too scared to just incase its positive but the next day turns out to be a negative again. I’m too scared to test cause if I get a bfn i’ll be disappointed. I’m too scared to test because I might be pregnant and i’m scared of how it will play out this time. The whole experience now makes me fearful of the unknowns.

Should I test Saturday before we go .. yes… at least if its negative I know that having a half drink wont impact anything. Its probably a bit selfish drinking if there is a chance I might be UTD but after 7 months plus the time before with my two miscarriages I just want to have a drink because it feels like i’m never going to fall pregnant and I always push off the drink just incase I am. I feel every month things get frozen, can’t book that holiday yet will wait to see if i’m knocked up this month first, can’t do that just incase i’m knocked up, can’t eat that, can’t drink that ahhh it all consumes us after awhile!

So readers should I test on Saturday? and should I be selfish and have those couple of half glasses of wine this weekend?

 

6 Months

Its now been 6 months since we started ttc again and no luck. This month my body almost tricked me, I was a couple days late and I tested but I think I tested too early. I felt like I was pregnant had that tummy bloating feeling those mild cramps you get in early pregnancy that lasted 4 days (I never get them that early before AF). I was then going to test when we got home from holidays but while waiting for the flight home the mean AF started! The next morning I took a test just to be sure and a really faint line came up! I was really apprehensive about it all. I went to the drs and got bloods done anyway. dr agreed that its time to see whats going on, if I’ve had a couple of tests of the 6 months that have shown positive and nothing happens it means something isn’t sticking, something is probably going on. I have to call to find out my results today and i’m sure it won’t be good as I took another test this morning and it was negative. I just hope that there was a tiny bit of hcg picked up in the blood test enough to show something did happen and try to implant etc. Then it will be on to the world of testing, finding out whats going on.

The past 15 months has been filled with happiness and sadness but now its time to find answers, find out whats happening, hopefully beginning of next year will be our time to have a nice sticky baby and be properly pregnant. I’m not expecting anything to happen this year but hopefully 2017 is the year for us!!

Although there is sadness and disappointment that this month might of been soo close there is also a glimmer of hope that maybe now we will get to the bottom of it all. Find out whats going on. Everytime dh and I talk about it we always wonder if its because of my toxic shock and if something isn’t right. Reality is that since I was sick I haven’t had anything on my reproductive side checked, not even thyroid levels etc to make sure everything is in check which could be causing issues .. well besides the round of pregnancy bloods that I had both times.

Yesterday was also a big day … we pulled down mr 2 1/2 cot! its not needed anymore, hes officially in a bed. I always imagined it wouldn’t be pulled down, It would be moved back into the nursery but it turns out that wasn’t to be. We now have to figure out where to store a cot and a cot mattress till its next needed. He also decided he likes to climb the change table! Won’t be long before that is pulled down too 😦

hopefully within a few months I have exciting news to share!!

Negative again ….. sighhhh

I was expecting AF (period) to arrive today but no it decides to show up early. At the beginning I had hope that it was just a bit of bleeding but not AF bleeding but no i’m pretty certain it is AF. I even took a test this morning and ofcourse it was a Big Fat Negative!!!

that’s the 5th month crashed and burnt …when will it be my time, when will this rollercoaster finally get to the good part? when will I finally be pregnant!!

Days like today I hit rock bottom and sometimes wish I would be content with one child, and only child, but i’m not I really want a sibling for him. I’m not ready for this part of my life to be over, i’m not ready for my boy to grow up and him not have a brother or sister to play with. I look at him now and think how good it will be for him to have another kid around to play with but it makes me feel soo weak and thinking if i’m not able to do it. Who says I will ever have another baby? the universe might be setting me up for the inevitable … who knows my toxic shock might of completely stuffed my body!! maybe its the universe warning me that having another baby might not have good end results for me?

I just wish there was a way / a sign to know that all will be good in the future.

Pity party for one

I knew it was only a matter of time before my good mood came crashing down .. and it happened last night.

I was catching up with friends for dinner, luckily the one with the newborn baby (due same time I was due) didn’t show up. I knew there were 2 pregnant ladies but when I arrived there were 3! and to make matters worse the 3rd is having twins!

I’m happy for them but when you get a group of 5 girls together and 3 are pregnant the conversation automatically goes to pregnancy and babies. I felt like I wanted to run, escape, get out of there. I had wished I had come up with a reason to leave earlier, I had wished that the conversation would of changed .. but it didn’t .. it stays baby related. for a short time our toddlers were discussed but mainly it was babies.

I walked out of their after a agonising 2 hours and got the my car, all I wanted to do was cry, cry for what I didn’t have, cry for what could of been, cry cause I feel i’m being left behind on this trying to conceive rollercoaster. I managed to drive home with just a few tears luckily.

I’m just soo scared that we will return from holidays next month and I still won’t be pregnant and that I will have to start the rollercoaster of finding out whats wrong.

Today i’m having a pity party all for myself.

One day it will be me .. one day ….