The fear of the future unknowns can be scary

I’m currently 7dpo which means i’m in the middle of my TWW. So as usually every symptom is being questioned, every temperature I record is being analysed, every everything is being questioned.

We are going away this weekend with family for a celebration, which means there will be alcohol. Originally AF was meant to arrive on Saturday so I would of know if it was UTD or not by the time we went but I ovulated late this month. Now i’m tossing up the whole do I have a few half glasses of wine or do I not have any and risk family thinking oh maybe shes pregnant which I don’t want to happen. I never drink in my TWW so its new to me. I could test before I go on Saturday morning but i’m scared, i’m too scared to test, i’m too scared to just incase its positive but the next day turns out to be a negative again. I’m too scared to test cause if I get a bfn i’ll be disappointed. I’m too scared to test because I might be pregnant and i’m scared of how it will play out this time. The whole experience now makes me fearful of the unknowns.

Should I test Saturday before we go .. yes… at least if its negative I know that having a half drink wont impact anything. Its probably a bit selfish drinking if there is a chance I might be UTD but after 7 months plus the time before with my two miscarriages I just want to have a drink because it feels like i’m never going to fall pregnant and I always push off the drink just incase I am. I feel every month things get frozen, can’t book that holiday yet will wait to see if i’m knocked up this month first, can’t do that just incase i’m knocked up, can’t eat that, can’t drink that ahhh it all consumes us after awhile!

So readers should I test on Saturday? and should I be selfish and have those couple of half glasses of wine this weekend?

 

6 Months

Its now been 6 months since we started ttc again and no luck. This month my body almost tricked me, I was a couple days late and I tested but I think I tested too early. I felt like I was pregnant had that tummy bloating feeling those mild cramps you get in early pregnancy that lasted 4 days (I never get them that early before AF). I was then going to test when we got home from holidays but while waiting for the flight home the mean AF started! The next morning I took a test just to be sure and a really faint line came up! I was really apprehensive about it all. I went to the drs and got bloods done anyway. dr agreed that its time to see whats going on, if I’ve had a couple of tests of the 6 months that have shown positive and nothing happens it means something isn’t sticking, something is probably going on. I have to call to find out my results today and i’m sure it won’t be good as I took another test this morning and it was negative. I just hope that there was a tiny bit of hcg picked up in the blood test enough to show something did happen and try to implant etc. Then it will be on to the world of testing, finding out whats going on.

The past 15 months has been filled with happiness and sadness but now its time to find answers, find out whats happening, hopefully beginning of next year will be our time to have a nice sticky baby and be properly pregnant. I’m not expecting anything to happen this year but hopefully 2017 is the year for us!!

Although there is sadness and disappointment that this month might of been soo close there is also a glimmer of hope that maybe now we will get to the bottom of it all. Find out whats going on. Everytime dh and I talk about it we always wonder if its because of my toxic shock and if something isn’t right. Reality is that since I was sick I haven’t had anything on my reproductive side checked, not even thyroid levels etc to make sure everything is in check which could be causing issues .. well besides the round of pregnancy bloods that I had both times.

Yesterday was also a big day … we pulled down mr 2 1/2 cot! its not needed anymore, hes officially in a bed. I always imagined it wouldn’t be pulled down, It would be moved back into the nursery but it turns out that wasn’t to be. We now have to figure out where to store a cot and a cot mattress till its next needed. He also decided he likes to climb the change table! Won’t be long before that is pulled down too 😦

hopefully within a few months I have exciting news to share!!

Negative again ….. sighhhh

I was expecting AF (period) to arrive today but no it decides to show up early. At the beginning I had hope that it was just a bit of bleeding but not AF bleeding but no i’m pretty certain it is AF. I even took a test this morning and ofcourse it was a Big Fat Negative!!!

that’s the 5th month crashed and burnt …when will it be my time, when will this rollercoaster finally get to the good part? when will I finally be pregnant!!

Days like today I hit rock bottom and sometimes wish I would be content with one child, and only child, but i’m not I really want a sibling for him. I’m not ready for this part of my life to be over, i’m not ready for my boy to grow up and him not have a brother or sister to play with. I look at him now and think how good it will be for him to have another kid around to play with but it makes me feel soo weak and thinking if i’m not able to do it. Who says I will ever have another baby? the universe might be setting me up for the inevitable … who knows my toxic shock might of completely stuffed my body!! maybe its the universe warning me that having another baby might not have good end results for me?

I just wish there was a way / a sign to know that all will be good in the future.

Pity party for one

I knew it was only a matter of time before my good mood came crashing down .. and it happened last night.

I was catching up with friends for dinner, luckily the one with the newborn baby (due same time I was due) didn’t show up. I knew there were 2 pregnant ladies but when I arrived there were 3! and to make matters worse the 3rd is having twins!

I’m happy for them but when you get a group of 5 girls together and 3 are pregnant the conversation automatically goes to pregnancy and babies. I felt like I wanted to run, escape, get out of there. I had wished I had come up with a reason to leave earlier, I had wished that the conversation would of changed .. but it didn’t .. it stays baby related. for a short time our toddlers were discussed but mainly it was babies.

I walked out of their after a agonising 2 hours and got the my car, all I wanted to do was cry, cry for what I didn’t have, cry for what could of been, cry cause I feel i’m being left behind on this trying to conceive rollercoaster. I managed to drive home with just a few tears luckily.

I’m just soo scared that we will return from holidays next month and I still won’t be pregnant and that I will have to start the rollercoaster of finding out whats wrong.

Today i’m having a pity party all for myself.

One day it will be me .. one day ….

 

Waiting waiting waiting

Should it really be called two week wait or the two week torture?? I only ovulated on Wednesday but I have a feeling it will be a long 12 day wait to see the outcome.

This month our 5th month trying I’ve changed things, I decided to flick my basal thermometer (although I did pull it out to check I ovualated). Hubby had a grand idea and decided that dtd (doing the deed) every second day wasn’t sufficient and his suggestion was we needed to dtd every day, so what did we do .. we did the deed for 7 days in a row! if that hasn’t guaranteed little boys waiting there for eggy i’m not sure what will. I’ve also found things a bit more positive this month so far, I started properly exercising, i’m not sure if its spring or if its just i’m finally properly ready for this to happen again or what but i’m feeling good. Although I always feel a bit cruddy after ovulation .. silly hormones, crampy, hungry, refluxy yuck!!

To some degree all this change is the fact I’ve given my self till we are back from holidays next month and if we are still not pregnant its time to get things looked at, its time for a trip back to ob and gp to find what is going on why this isn’t happening fast this time. by then it will be 6 months of trying and we both don’t want to hit that mark.

This journey is one a lot of people don’t experience, it probably seems silly to a lot of people but to those experiencing it its hard its like time has paused and is dragging by soo slowly and right now i’m trying to distract myself to pass time quickly. Its been 14 months since we started trying, who would of thought it was going to take that long to fall pregnant with our final bub for our family. Who would of thought that in that time we would experience the loss of two babies.

I looked at the calendar early today and realised I should be 36+6 right now with our second lost pregnancy. Our son arrived at 37+1 .. right now I would of been getting nervous that we would have a new addition any day. I try not to dwell on the second loss, it was different, it was physically harder and in some ways emotionally harder but it was a blighted ovum .. there never was a baby.

All I can think to do right now and try to keep exercising the next 2 weeks and hope that it helps little bub attach and hope that the perfect combo has been made and that in 1 1/2 weeks or soon we get those two lines we really want to see. If AF arrives I just hope I can be strong and not have too big of a pity party.

I look back at old me all that time ago and realise how nieve I was thinking making a baby would be easy. I know a lot of people it just happens and they hardly have to try and hardly have to do anything and their are pregnant and they carry their babies to term but for the rest of us its not that fairytale storyline. Big hugs to all of you out there!

Whenever it is that the right baby waiting to meet us I know my pregnancy journey won’t be filled of whinging about not being able to drink and not being able to eat certain foods, it will be filled with worry, hope and magic … with feeling horrible at times thrown in!!

Here is hoping that the end of the month brings us some good news!!

Almost 2 months and nothing has really changed!

So I haven’t posted for almost two months, time just got away from me. I’ve had 2 more months of trying for our rainbow baby and two more failed months. It seems like its a never ending process at the moment and I really wonder when we will get our rainbow baby.

I started off really not confident this month then I went on to be really confident but turned out no luck there.

It makes me wonder is something not right, is my body just waiting for the perfect combination, soo many questions of the unknown. I know we get timing right as we work on the every second day approach.

I stopped seeing my naturopath after my last mc but maybe I need to start again, maybe I need my body back good again before something will happen.

Every month that fails it makes me feel a bit deflated. with my 3 pregnancies to date they all took one or two cycles which was really quick. We will now be onto our 5th cycle and it just seems like its taken forever! This ttc business is tiring! I know its uncommon for it to happen that quick normally but now it just feels a little cruel. We have now been trying for our second baby for 13 months and we are still empty handed and I still have a empty uterus!

One day i’ll be writing that its finally happened… when it does I hope it will be a lasting sticky baby!!

 

4th of July

Today was my due date for when I was meant to be having bub but due to miscarriage I never got to meet my bub. Its been such a tough couple of days. Yesterday morning my period showed up 😦 I was already upset by this and then add in a due date and i’m feeling all over the shot today. I’m hoping after today I can put all this baby miscarriage stuff behind me and just move on.

7 months ago I found at at 9 weeks that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and since then its been one huge emotional rollercoaster.  I still can remember the day clearly, I still can remember talking to my new obstetrician for ages about a game plan to minimise potential issues etc and then finally getting the scan. I remember she couldn’t see a heartbeat and she just asked me to go to the toilet so she could do a internal scan. my husband was none the wiser, but I knew what was going on, baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. I remember breaking down crying when she said the words and then being told options of how to proceed. I remember walking out the room crying feeling soo numb and waiting outside for my husband to walk out as there was no way I was going to the counter to settle my account after that. I remember seeing people walk past me looking at me probably wondering what had just happened, what news I had been told. I remember going home and crying the most I’ve ever cried in my life and it taking a couple of hours before I felt somewhat able to cope again. The in laws had been at our house looking after our son so I had to get dh to go up first and tell them so I could go hide in our room as I wasn’t in the position to see anyone. i remember getting ready the next afternoon to go in for my d&c and breaking down again because i was getting ready to have my baby removed, I had only known of the baby for 5 weeks but it was 5 weeks of excitement of new life. Just writing this and thinking of all this makes me tear up. Soo many details are still fresh in my memory and it will be a long time before they are gone. Little did I know a couple months later I would start that saga of pregnancy loss again but in a whole different way.

I can now say its also been the longest its taken us to fall pregnant as well! With my son it was the second cycle. pregnancy #2 was second cycle, pregnancy #3 was first cycle and now I’ve just had my second cycle and nothing so hopefully its lucky third! I’m now in foreign territory this whole who knows when it will happen thing.

To make matters worse today my son has been acting like a complete crazy kid. having a tantrum in the supermarket on the day I have the least amount of patience ahhh kids are fun. Days like today I just don’t want to adult. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and not have to be responsible for a little human. To make things worse my friend had a baby a couple days ago and I keep seeing her photos on facebook. there is a limit to how many times you can fake like photos haha.

I was feeling soo happy and soo confident it was my month I was really feeling it was it but turns out to be nothing more then false hope. I have another due date coming up in October but luckily for me I don’t know the actual date, it was a pregnancy that seemed to be over before it began.

Due dates suck!! I really hope my day starts to get better. Bring on a end of July positive test I say!!

I feel happy and content

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I’m not sure what has changed but something has. Every since I ovulated this cycle I feel content for some reason. Once I knew I had ovulated I’ve just had this feeling that this month might be it. Everything is just seeming right .. timing wise and all.

My son is almost 2 years 2 months and he seems to have matured a lot in the last couple of months. you can tell hes ready to have a baby in the house, he loves cuddles, loves babies, loves helping out with little jobs.

Me I feel the time is right, I feel normal again, I don’t feel ultra hormonal, I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel resentful, I don’t know I just feel calm. Considering all this next week is my babies due date, when I should of been holding my bub in my arms, its marked on our calendar and i’m not sure I want to see it all next month.

I feel ready. I’m ready for the challenge of being pregnant again, i’m ready for what lies ahead in the unknown world our lives are. I feel like my healing is almost done and its time to move on. I’m not sure i’ll be thinking soo positive next week if it turns out i’m not pregnant and AF arrives to kick me in the guts. Next Monday .. the due date… might be a bit tough then, but for now i’m soak it all in.

I’m ready to grow attached to a little bean in side my belly and protect it and nurture it for 9 months, I just have a feeling the universe might say its time too. Previously we have fallen pregnant the first or second cycle trying. Last month was soo forced, this month was fun and natural it just felt right again.

I feel like I just need to cross my fingers and toes and in 7 days i’ll be celebrating not crying.

I need some happiness stat!

All I feel like I do is whinge…poor me etc I just feel like the past 18 months has been constant hurdles..I need some happiness to break it up!

Today I should of been 37+1 the same gestation that I had my son…I should be meeting my next bub but I’m not.

I remember thinking back when I had toxic shock and thinking after okay let’s have another baby, let’s to some degree get this baby making phase of our lives over. I love my son, I didn’t hate pregnancy, I just hate everything that has happened with my body after. I thought I had my happiness, nope miscarriage… Thought I might of had it again.. Nope another miscarriage. We have started trying again but first month has been a fail. I just want my body to show me it can do something positive.

My son is now 2 and he’s being soo gently with toys, rocking his teddy, giving it kisses.. He would of been perfect with a little brother it sister now. I feel to some degree he’s missing out.

Hopefully soon it all happens for us!