What a week it has been!!

I’ve been meaning to update on everything that’s happened and in the last week the story has got bigger.

Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my obgyn. She decided that we would have a few test run and I would get a Saline Sonohysterogram. I got this booked in for the Wednesday after the Christmas break but due to all the public holidays if my period was a day late I would have to reschedule as I would be out of the allowable window. I got my 21day bloods back that afternoon and all was good.

On sunday I was having a Christmas lunch with family so I knew I would test early to make sure before I had Chrissy food etc. I woke up Friday morning 10dpo and decided to test… I was in shock it was positive! no way did I believe it so I tested a few hours later, positive again!! I tested the next few mornings to be sure and sure enough it was getting darker!! My period was due yesterday and nothing, not a spot of bleeding. I went to drs yesterday to get my initial bloods done and hcg etc. I forgot to ask to have the results waiting for me to ring etc oh well I guess I don’t really need to know a number!

My obgyn appointment is scheduled for the 19th January .. that’s 4 1/2 weeks away ahhh its going to be a long wait. Lets hope the next 4 1/2 weeks are incident free! I still can’t believe i’m pregnant!! Tomorrow is 2 years since the surgery that caused my toxic shock. I got my little Christmas miracle!! now stick little bub!! Bring on 2017!

 

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Today i would of been 12 weeks :(

Today I would of been 12 weeks pregnant. we would of been having our scan soon and starting to share the news especially on Christmas day. Instead i’m thinking of what would of been and feeling sad that it just wasn’t to be.

With every day that goes by its getting easier. The part that’s just hard is thinking that by the end of 2016 there is every chance that we still won’t have our second baby in our arms. Its only been almost 3 weeks but I’ve already started charting again and waiting for that ovulation spike to go up. That will be a happy day when I discover I’ve ovulated and that AF is on its way because it means we can start trying again.

Its a crazy time of year, tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary from when I went in for surgery, the very same surgery that resulted with me ending up in ICU the next night and missing my first Christmas with my baby. I still remember being soo nervous about that surgery soo worried about what might happen but I never expected that to happen. I think back to last Christmas and it makes me sad of what we missed out as a family and just what my husband had to go through for that week. But after everything this year i’m getting to spend it with my son and husband 🙂

I’m getting excited about Christmas as its only a few days away. Today I made our son his first santa sack. Growing up we didn’t really have many traditions at Christmas, i’ll I remember is opening presents! I can’t recall having a santa stocking or santa sack so i’m not use to the normal tradition with them but this year we’ll be starting our traditions.

We will have our few hours as a family on Friday which we’ll definitely be remember our little mulberry that just wasn’t meant to be but we’ll be sitting enjoying the moment .. our first Christmas morning together. After that will be craziness between 2 other Christmases. But since i’m not pregnant i’ll eat prawns, eat cold meats and have a drink or two because hey I may as well make the most of it!

Soon enough it will be 2016 and i’m sure it has a lot in store for me and us as a family. One thing I know for certain is that I would be really hesitant having a baby due in December with everything that has happened the last 2 Decembers!

1 week on ….

In 1 1/2 hours it will be 1 week since we found out the news our baby’s heart had stopped beating .. 1 week ago everything was turned upside down.

Emotionally yes its getting better but its still hard. Its December 8 and what I should be doing is getting excited about Christmas but i’m finding it a bit difficult. I haven’t yet found my Christmas spirit for the year. The tree went up the day before we found out. Yesterday I put up a few Christmas lights but I just need to get into the Christmas cheer more.

Physically it is getting easier although yesterday I was in a bit of pain and bleeding decided to start a bit YAY. My face has also been going crazy, all these now redundant hormones and my body doesn’t know what to do with them! ahh I can’t wait for it all to go. I do feel somewhat normal again .. no morning sickness and a few headaches here and there. I am seeming to get my energy back again.

I know this happens to people all the time but its just so hard to go through. Some people are very sympathetic and I think others don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything.

I still remember that afternoon finding out the news. I then wanted to bee line for the door and get out of there. lucky hubby went and sorted the bill .. which there wasn’t one as they bulk billed it. I remember standing outside trying not to cry but there were tears just coming out my eyes I just wanted to cry and for it to be over. we couldn’t contact our baby sitters, they weren’t answering their phone so we pulled up outside our house, hubby went in to tell them and ask if they could stay out the way so I could just go to our bedroom. I stayed there for the next while, crying thinking, crying, being sad. Its hard not to feel responsible or not feel like there was something that I did that caused it. I know there answer is these things happen but seriously it was my body that let it happen.

17 days till Christmas, there are heaps of reasons to be happy we have each other and we have our health but its just taken away a bit of the magic of Christmas .. the magic I was hoping to restore since being in hospital last Christmas, the Christmas I should be experiencing being the 1st Christmas morning i’ll get to spend with my husband and son together at home! i’m sure i’ll snap out of it soon enough to enjoy it.