Waiting waiting waiting

Should it really be called two week wait or the two week torture?? I only ovulated on Wednesday but I have a feeling it will be a long 12 day wait to see the outcome.

This month our 5th month trying I’ve changed things, I decided to flick my basal thermometer (although I did pull it out to check I ovualated). Hubby had a grand idea and decided that dtd (doing the deed) every second day wasn’t sufficient and his suggestion was we needed to dtd every day, so what did we do .. we did the deed for 7 days in a row! if that hasn’t guaranteed little boys waiting there for eggy i’m not sure what will. I’ve also found things a bit more positive this month so far, I started properly exercising, i’m not sure if its spring or if its just i’m finally properly ready for this to happen again or what but i’m feeling good. Although I always feel a bit cruddy after ovulation .. silly hormones, crampy, hungry, refluxy yuck!!

To some degree all this change is the fact I’ve given my self till we are back from holidays next month and if we are still not pregnant its time to get things looked at, its time for a trip back to ob and gp to find what is going on why this isn’t happening fast this time. by then it will be 6 months of trying and we both don’t want to hit that mark.

This journey is one a lot of people don’t experience, it probably seems silly to a lot of people but to those experiencing it its hard its like time has paused and is dragging by soo slowly and right now i’m trying to distract myself to pass time quickly. Its been 14 months since we started trying, who would of thought it was going to take that long to fall pregnant with our final bub for our family. Who would of thought that in that time we would experience the loss of two babies.

I looked at the calendar early today and realised I should be 36+6 right now with our second lost pregnancy. Our son arrived at 37+1 .. right now I would of been getting nervous that we would have a new addition any day. I try not to dwell on the second loss, it was different, it was physically harder and in some ways emotionally harder but it was a blighted ovum .. there never was a baby.

All I can think to do right now and try to keep exercising the next 2 weeks and hope that it helps little bub attach and hope that the perfect combo has been made and that in 1 1/2 weeks or soon we get those two lines we really want to see. If AF arrives I just hope I can be strong and not have too big of a pity party.

I look back at old me all that time ago and realise how nieve I was thinking making a baby would be easy. I know a lot of people it just happens and they hardly have to try and hardly have to do anything and their are pregnant and they carry their babies to term but for the rest of us its not that fairytale storyline. Big hugs to all of you out there!

Whenever it is that the right baby waiting to meet us I know my pregnancy journey won’t be filled of whinging about not being able to drink and not being able to eat certain foods, it will be filled with worry, hope and magic … with feeling horrible at times thrown in!!

Here is hoping that the end of the month brings us some good news!!

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4th of July

Today was my due date for when I was meant to be having bub but due to miscarriage I never got to meet my bub. Its been such a tough couple of days. Yesterday morning my period showed up 😦 I was already upset by this and then add in a due date and i’m feeling all over the shot today. I’m hoping after today I can put all this baby miscarriage stuff behind me and just move on.

7 months ago I found at at 9 weeks that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and since then its been one huge emotional rollercoaster.  I still can remember the day clearly, I still can remember talking to my new obstetrician for ages about a game plan to minimise potential issues etc and then finally getting the scan. I remember she couldn’t see a heartbeat and she just asked me to go to the toilet so she could do a internal scan. my husband was none the wiser, but I knew what was going on, baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. I remember breaking down crying when she said the words and then being told options of how to proceed. I remember walking out the room crying feeling soo numb and waiting outside for my husband to walk out as there was no way I was going to the counter to settle my account after that. I remember seeing people walk past me looking at me probably wondering what had just happened, what news I had been told. I remember going home and crying the most I’ve ever cried in my life and it taking a couple of hours before I felt somewhat able to cope again. The in laws had been at our house looking after our son so I had to get dh to go up first and tell them so I could go hide in our room as I wasn’t in the position to see anyone. i remember getting ready the next afternoon to go in for my d&c and breaking down again because i was getting ready to have my baby removed, I had only known of the baby for 5 weeks but it was 5 weeks of excitement of new life. Just writing this and thinking of all this makes me tear up. Soo many details are still fresh in my memory and it will be a long time before they are gone. Little did I know a couple months later I would start that saga of pregnancy loss again but in a whole different way.

I can now say its also been the longest its taken us to fall pregnant as well! With my son it was the second cycle. pregnancy #2 was second cycle, pregnancy #3 was first cycle and now I’ve just had my second cycle and nothing so hopefully its lucky third! I’m now in foreign territory this whole who knows when it will happen thing.

To make matters worse today my son has been acting like a complete crazy kid. having a tantrum in the supermarket on the day I have the least amount of patience ahhh kids are fun. Days like today I just don’t want to adult. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and not have to be responsible for a little human. To make things worse my friend had a baby a couple days ago and I keep seeing her photos on facebook. there is a limit to how many times you can fake like photos haha.

I was feeling soo happy and soo confident it was my month I was really feeling it was it but turns out to be nothing more then false hope. I have another due date coming up in October but luckily for me I don’t know the actual date, it was a pregnancy that seemed to be over before it began.

Due dates suck!! I really hope my day starts to get better. Bring on a end of July positive test I say!!

I need some happiness stat!

All I feel like I do is whinge…poor me etc I just feel like the past 18 months has been constant hurdles..I need some happiness to break it up!

Today I should of been 37+1 the same gestation that I had my son…I should be meeting my next bub but I’m not.

I remember thinking back when I had toxic shock and thinking after okay let’s have another baby, let’s to some degree get this baby making phase of our lives over. I love my son, I didn’t hate pregnancy, I just hate everything that has happened with my body after. I thought I had my happiness, nope miscarriage… Thought I might of had it again.. Nope another miscarriage. We have started trying again but first month has been a fail. I just want my body to show me it can do something positive.

My son is now 2 and he’s being soo gently with toys, rocking his teddy, giving it kisses.. He would of been perfect with a little brother it sister now. I feel to some degree he’s missing out.

Hopefully soon it all happens for us!