4th of July

Today was my due date for when I was meant to be having bub but due to miscarriage I never got to meet my bub. Its been such a tough couple of days. Yesterday morning my period showed up 😦 I was already upset by this and then add in a due date and i’m feeling all over the shot today. I’m hoping after today I can put all this baby miscarriage stuff behind me and just move on.

7 months ago I found at at 9 weeks that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and since then its been one huge emotional rollercoaster.  I still can remember the day clearly, I still can remember talking to my new obstetrician for ages about a game plan to minimise potential issues etc and then finally getting the scan. I remember she couldn’t see a heartbeat and she just asked me to go to the toilet so she could do a internal scan. my husband was none the wiser, but I knew what was going on, baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. I remember breaking down crying when she said the words and then being told options of how to proceed. I remember walking out the room crying feeling soo numb and waiting outside for my husband to walk out as there was no way I was going to the counter to settle my account after that. I remember seeing people walk past me looking at me probably wondering what had just happened, what news I had been told. I remember going home and crying the most I’ve ever cried in my life and it taking a couple of hours before I felt somewhat able to cope again. The in laws had been at our house looking after our son so I had to get dh to go up first and tell them so I could go hide in our room as I wasn’t in the position to see anyone. i remember getting ready the next afternoon to go in for my d&c and breaking down again because i was getting ready to have my baby removed, I had only known of the baby for 5 weeks but it was 5 weeks of excitement of new life. Just writing this and thinking of all this makes me tear up. Soo many details are still fresh in my memory and it will be a long time before they are gone. Little did I know a couple months later I would start that saga of pregnancy loss again but in a whole different way.

I can now say its also been the longest its taken us to fall pregnant as well! With my son it was the second cycle. pregnancy #2 was second cycle, pregnancy #3 was first cycle and now I’ve just had my second cycle and nothing so hopefully its lucky third! I’m now in foreign territory this whole who knows when it will happen thing.

To make matters worse today my son has been acting like a complete crazy kid. having a tantrum in the supermarket on the day I have the least amount of patience ahhh kids are fun. Days like today I just don’t want to adult. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and not have to be responsible for a little human. To make things worse my friend had a baby a couple days ago and I keep seeing her photos on facebook. there is a limit to how many times you can fake like photos haha.

I was feeling soo happy and soo confident it was my month I was really feeling it was it but turns out to be nothing more then false hope. I have another due date coming up in October but luckily for me I don’t know the actual date, it was a pregnancy that seemed to be over before it began.

Due dates suck!! I really hope my day starts to get better. Bring on a end of July positive test I say!!