The fear of the future unknowns can be scary

I’m currently 7dpo which means i’m in the middle of my TWW. So as usually every symptom is being questioned, every temperature I record is being analysed, every everything is being questioned.

We are going away this weekend with family for a celebration, which means there will be alcohol. Originally AF was meant to arrive on Saturday so I would of know if it was UTD or not by the time we went but I ovulated late this month. Now i’m tossing up the whole do I have a few half glasses of wine or do I not have any and risk family thinking oh maybe shes pregnant which I don’t want to happen. I never drink in my TWW so its new to me. I could test before I go on Saturday morning but i’m scared, i’m too scared to test, i’m too scared to just incase its positive but the next day turns out to be a negative again. I’m too scared to test cause if I get a bfn i’ll be disappointed. I’m too scared to test because I might be pregnant and i’m scared of how it will play out this time. The whole experience now makes me fearful of the unknowns.

Should I test Saturday before we go .. yes… at least if its negative I know that having a half drink wont impact anything. Its probably a bit selfish drinking if there is a chance I might be UTD but after 7 months plus the time before with my two miscarriages I just want to have a drink because it feels like i’m never going to fall pregnant and I always push off the drink just incase I am. I feel every month things get frozen, can’t book that holiday yet will wait to see if i’m knocked up this month first, can’t do that just incase i’m knocked up, can’t eat that, can’t drink that ahhh it all consumes us after awhile!

So readers should I test on Saturday? and should I be selfish and have those couple of half glasses of wine this weekend?



I feel happy and content


I’m not sure what has changed but something has. Every since I ovulated this cycle I feel content for some reason. Once I knew I had ovulated I’ve just had this feeling that this month might be it. Everything is just seeming right .. timing wise and all.

My son is almost 2 years 2 months and he seems to have matured a lot in the last couple of months. you can tell hes ready to have a baby in the house, he loves cuddles, loves babies, loves helping out with little jobs.

Me I feel the time is right, I feel normal again, I don’t feel ultra hormonal, I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel resentful, I don’t know I just feel calm. Considering all this next week is my babies due date, when I should of been holding my bub in my arms, its marked on our calendar and i’m not sure I want to see it all next month.

I feel ready. I’m ready for the challenge of being pregnant again, i’m ready for what lies ahead in the unknown world our lives are. I feel like my healing is almost done and its time to move on. I’m not sure i’ll be thinking soo positive next week if it turns out i’m not pregnant and AF arrives to kick me in the guts. Next Monday .. the due date… might be a bit tough then, but for now i’m soak it all in.

I’m ready to grow attached to a little bean in side my belly and protect it and nurture it for 9 months, I just have a feeling the universe might say its time too. Previously we have fallen pregnant the first or second cycle trying. Last month was soo forced, this month was fun and natural it just felt right again.

I feel like I just need to cross my fingers and toes and in 7 days i’ll be celebrating not crying.

Hopefully i’m making a rainbow baby


Before I had my son I was naive to a lot of things that come from having a baby, I was naive about getting pregnant and really the heartache and joy that comes from it. Even with my son everything was soo simple. I fell pregnant 2nd month, I had a good pregnancy, fast labour .. then the issues started to happen.

Now I go into trying for a baby with a sense of fear a sense of uncertainty a sense of I don’t know what the future will hold.

A couple weeks ago we decided we will start trying again for number 2 (pregnancy number 4).

Am I ready for another loss … no.

Am I expecting to fall pregnant fast again .. yes

Am I expecting the pregnancy to make it to 12 weeks .. no

The fact i’m not ready for another loss but i’m expecting it worries me, its put a whole negative spin on it before its even begun. Until I am pregnant and see my way through a whole 9 months and hold my gorgeous baby in my arms i’m not sure i’ll believe its happening.

After my first loss I hated the term rainbow baby, I just wanted a baby I was in denial of what I had been through. I just thought I could get pregnant again and forget about what had happened. I was niave to the fact it might really happen again! Now its different now after another loss I want my rainbow baby, I want us to complete our family, I want our son to have a brother or sister.

According to my chart I ovulated a couple days ago. My luteul phase has still been on the shorter side so in roughly 9 days I will know what is going on if i’m pregnant or not. With everything that has happened and knowing how unpredictable these things are i’m still assuming that it will only take a cycle or two to fall pregnant. I’m probably the stupidest person saying that! Our son was second month, miscarriage 1 was second month, miscarriage 2 was first month. The odds are in our favor but I have to remember previous history means nothing when it comes to this so i’ll have to wait and see. Am I hoping to be pregnant this month .. yes. Will it break my heart if i’m not .. yes. But really I don’t want to just be pregnant ,I want to be pregnant with our perfect little baby the one that will continue to grow for 9 months and fill a void in my heart.

When we decided to try for number 2 I probably had the wrong idea. With everything that had happened the previous year I was hoping to get all the baby stuff over with my body. that was obvious the silliest thing I’ve said, I really didn’t know what the next 12 months was going to be like.

All I can do is try to be positive and hope that in 9 days my period doesn’t arrive but instead a positive pregnancy test instead!

oh and btw I don’t think i’ll ever look at a pregnancy test without feeling some sort of fear again … oh the days of innocency were great.

Here is to lots of rainbow baby vibes for everyone else reading who are patiently waiting for their rainbow baby.


6 weeks tomorrow but it feels like a eternity!

Tomorrow I should be 6 weeks. Instead of feeling excited i’m feeling, unsure, worried, concerned and just generally not sure of the whole situation. What i’m not feeling is excitement which I should be.

Yesterday I had another bleed this time tiny hardly anything. I actually think it was from pushing my self while walking and pushing the pram. I have looked back at my fit bit and both times my heart rate has got over 140 eek maybe I brought it on myself.

I’ve been having abdominal cramps which in the past have been linked to wind but they just seem constant. I currently haven’t had them for a hour or so but it just worries me that something could be wrong.

I had another blood test this morning and i’m back at GP tomorrow. She said to wait a week but I wanted to see her before she goes on holidays so I’ve snuck it a day earlier.

The hard part is its not just waiting to hear a heart beat as I saw that last time but I still lost my bub. I’m waiting for the 12 week scan and for the due date. But right now it seems its day by day week by week.

Only two weeks and we go away for holidays. If something bad is going to happen I hope it happens before then!

my boobs are itchy, I feel a like nausea but hardly any it makes me wonder is this actually happening? but then I think could life be this cruel and put me through this again?? I feel guilty for saying I just want a healthy baby when I already have one but all I want is one more and then we are done. I don’t think I could possibly go through this for a 3rd time!!

Ah only time will tell. I need to somehow relax in the mean time but i’m just not sure how at the moment.

Is this really happening again?

So I had a bit of a shock this morning .. i’m pregnant again!!!

I had been charting my temperatures and I had what I thought was my period a week ago. My temperatures just kept staying up and I wasn’t sure why. I finally decided I better just take and test just incase and sure enough there were two lines!! I couldn’t believe it I thought my body was just tricking me. I think i’m still in shock.

I thought there was no chance of being pregnant so much so that I bought a 5 pack of tests!

It means my due date should be 7th October yay.

i’m still on cloud 9 and i’m hoping that I stay this way for awhile before I start to worry about everything and just the getting through the next couple of months.

Ahh how our bodies trick us and confuse us sometimes!

I’m excited, in shock, nervous, happy soo many emotions right now.


She’s due when i was due

I found out yesterday that a friend is due 3 days before I was meant to be due 😦 it makes me sad that it just wasn’t to be. She said she was 17 weeks pregnant .. that means right now I should of been the same and just about to find out if I was having a boy or girl. Its hard not feeling jealous about it but I guess these things happen.

Now instead i’m charting cycles again and waiting and seeing. We started trying again this cycle and i’m about 7 days past ovulation. I am now just waiting for next week and to see what happens. The past two times I have fallen pregnant it has been on the second cycle trying so in some regards i’m not expecting anything from this one but in other ways i’m hoping for the best. I don’t want to over think, over guess or anything but I know I won’t test early. If nothing has arrived by next sunday (my birthday) i’ll take a test. Or maybe I should wait till the next day so i’m not disappointed.

Oh this waiting game is crazy. I would love to be pregnant again and not being dealing with all this stuff but there is a small part of me that is actually taking it all in again taking in the ability to do stuff without having to worry about being pregnant just for a few more weeks.

There are a few birthdays in October but I would love to have a October baby! if all was to work out this cycle I would be due on October 8. and that is me thinking too far advance. As I now well know a positive pregnancy test doesn’t mean i’ll get that baby, I would have a whole few months to get through before I got the green light so to speak.

Hopefully my next post will be of great news!



When it began.

Last Sunday the 15th September it all began .. finally a positive pregnancy test after several negatives. It was only the second month we had been trying to conceive but they were longer then normal months so it seemed to be forever.

The days since then has been filled with alot of googling of different things, questions we’ve had, what happens next, when would i be due etc

During the week a few things began that have let me know that something is happening down there. First it was a bit of a feeling of upset tummy, then there was the dull cramps and now its obvious with me needing to pee more. The last few night i’ve woken up in the middle of the night to use the toilet, no more going to sleep and waking up when my alarm goes off in the morning.

and now the pregnancy journey has begun .. the journey to grow my bump ..