Pity party for one

I knew it was only a matter of time before my good mood came crashing down .. and it happened last night.

I was catching up with friends for dinner, luckily the one with the newborn baby (due same time I was due) didn’t show up. I knew there were 2 pregnant ladies but when I arrived there were 3! and to make matters worse the 3rd is having twins!

I’m happy for them but when you get a group of 5 girls together and 3 are pregnant the conversation automatically goes to pregnancy and babies. I felt like I wanted to run, escape, get out of there. I had wished I had come up with a reason to leave earlier, I had wished that the conversation would of changed .. but it didn’t .. it stays baby related. for a short time our toddlers were discussed but mainly it was babies.

I walked out of their after a agonising 2 hours and got the my car, all I wanted to do was cry, cry for what I didn’t have, cry for what could of been, cry cause I feel i’m being left behind on this trying to conceive rollercoaster. I managed to drive home with just a few tears luckily.

I’m just soo scared that we will return from holidays next month and I still won’t be pregnant and that I will have to start the rollercoaster of finding out whats wrong.

Today i’m having a pity party all for myself.

One day it will be me .. one day ….

 

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4th of July

Today was my due date for when I was meant to be having bub but due to miscarriage I never got to meet my bub. Its been such a tough couple of days. Yesterday morning my period showed up 😦 I was already upset by this and then add in a due date and i’m feeling all over the shot today. I’m hoping after today I can put all this baby miscarriage stuff behind me and just move on.

7 months ago I found at at 9 weeks that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and since then its been one huge emotional rollercoaster.  I still can remember the day clearly, I still can remember talking to my new obstetrician for ages about a game plan to minimise potential issues etc and then finally getting the scan. I remember she couldn’t see a heartbeat and she just asked me to go to the toilet so she could do a internal scan. my husband was none the wiser, but I knew what was going on, baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. I remember breaking down crying when she said the words and then being told options of how to proceed. I remember walking out the room crying feeling soo numb and waiting outside for my husband to walk out as there was no way I was going to the counter to settle my account after that. I remember seeing people walk past me looking at me probably wondering what had just happened, what news I had been told. I remember going home and crying the most I’ve ever cried in my life and it taking a couple of hours before I felt somewhat able to cope again. The in laws had been at our house looking after our son so I had to get dh to go up first and tell them so I could go hide in our room as I wasn’t in the position to see anyone. i remember getting ready the next afternoon to go in for my d&c and breaking down again because i was getting ready to have my baby removed, I had only known of the baby for 5 weeks but it was 5 weeks of excitement of new life. Just writing this and thinking of all this makes me tear up. Soo many details are still fresh in my memory and it will be a long time before they are gone. Little did I know a couple months later I would start that saga of pregnancy loss again but in a whole different way.

I can now say its also been the longest its taken us to fall pregnant as well! With my son it was the second cycle. pregnancy #2 was second cycle, pregnancy #3 was first cycle and now I’ve just had my second cycle and nothing so hopefully its lucky third! I’m now in foreign territory this whole who knows when it will happen thing.

To make matters worse today my son has been acting like a complete crazy kid. having a tantrum in the supermarket on the day I have the least amount of patience ahhh kids are fun. Days like today I just don’t want to adult. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and not have to be responsible for a little human. To make things worse my friend had a baby a couple days ago and I keep seeing her photos on facebook. there is a limit to how many times you can fake like photos haha.

I was feeling soo happy and soo confident it was my month I was really feeling it was it but turns out to be nothing more then false hope. I have another due date coming up in October but luckily for me I don’t know the actual date, it was a pregnancy that seemed to be over before it began.

Due dates suck!! I really hope my day starts to get better. Bring on a end of July positive test I say!!

Hopefully i’m making a rainbow baby

3d-rainbow-wallpaper

Before I had my son I was naive to a lot of things that come from having a baby, I was naive about getting pregnant and really the heartache and joy that comes from it. Even with my son everything was soo simple. I fell pregnant 2nd month, I had a good pregnancy, fast labour .. then the issues started to happen.

Now I go into trying for a baby with a sense of fear a sense of uncertainty a sense of I don’t know what the future will hold.

A couple weeks ago we decided we will start trying again for number 2 (pregnancy number 4).

Am I ready for another loss … no.

Am I expecting to fall pregnant fast again .. yes

Am I expecting the pregnancy to make it to 12 weeks .. no

The fact i’m not ready for another loss but i’m expecting it worries me, its put a whole negative spin on it before its even begun. Until I am pregnant and see my way through a whole 9 months and hold my gorgeous baby in my arms i’m not sure i’ll believe its happening.

After my first loss I hated the term rainbow baby, I just wanted a baby I was in denial of what I had been through. I just thought I could get pregnant again and forget about what had happened. I was niave to the fact it might really happen again! Now its different now after another loss I want my rainbow baby, I want us to complete our family, I want our son to have a brother or sister.

According to my chart I ovulated a couple days ago. My luteul phase has still been on the shorter side so in roughly 9 days I will know what is going on if i’m pregnant or not. With everything that has happened and knowing how unpredictable these things are i’m still assuming that it will only take a cycle or two to fall pregnant. I’m probably the stupidest person saying that! Our son was second month, miscarriage 1 was second month, miscarriage 2 was first month. The odds are in our favor but I have to remember previous history means nothing when it comes to this so i’ll have to wait and see. Am I hoping to be pregnant this month .. yes. Will it break my heart if i’m not .. yes. But really I don’t want to just be pregnant ,I want to be pregnant with our perfect little baby the one that will continue to grow for 9 months and fill a void in my heart.

When we decided to try for number 2 I probably had the wrong idea. With everything that had happened the previous year I was hoping to get all the baby stuff over with my body. that was obvious the silliest thing I’ve said, I really didn’t know what the next 12 months was going to be like.

All I can do is try to be positive and hope that in 9 days my period doesn’t arrive but instead a positive pregnancy test instead!

oh and btw I don’t think i’ll ever look at a pregnancy test without feeling some sort of fear again … oh the days of innocency were great.

Here is to lots of rainbow baby vibes for everyone else reading who are patiently waiting for their rainbow baby.

 

What could of been

Everytime I think i’m getting over all this it just comes back now its the loaming due date that’s getting me. I should be due in 2 1/2 months but instead i’m not pregnant for a second time. It makes me feel soo upset sometimes I should be 6 months pregnant instead I just have a wobbly belly because after both miscarriages I decide to have a junk food binge. I just want to be trying for another baby again and being pregnant again but I know that waiting will hopefully be good for us but I just don’t know anymore. This baby making business is hard work and i’m just inpatient and want to be pregnant with my perfect baby. I just want to have something positive to look forward to not a I wonder if it will happen for a third time. I just want to know its all going to be okay next time and that i’m not going to have to go through this again. All I want is one more baby, just one more pregnancy, just one more moment in time that I grow a human being and then our family will be complete. A girl, a boy it doesn’t matter .. I just wish I had a crystal ball to know that its going to be okay next time. Only time will tell I guess and I’ve only just finished my miscarriage cycle so still a bit of waiting before we try again. July 4 is going to be one tough day knowing what could of been 😦

why is early pregnancy so hard?!

Today I am 5 weeks 1 day I should be excited but instead i’m unsure of what the future holds.

Two days ago I went to the gp to get my pregnancy confirmed. Because I had a period before a positive test she was worried about ectopic pregnancy so I had to go for a scan. I went for a scan that night and a gestational sac was found which matched exactly to my dates… I was getting excited!

The next day at lunch time I felt a gush and realised that it was blood. After the initial bit it was there when I wiped for a few hours and I thought all was over. Randomly my gp called with scan results. She told me to go see her today.

I went and saw her she said there is no point for blood tests soo quick so if I bleed again in the next week I have to go for the repeat blood test in a week but if I don’t bleed then I get to wait 2 weeks. This is to be a long wait!! Its been a day with no bleeding now. I got my hcg results back and they were 3500 at 5 weeks so nice and high!

After the last one being a missed miscarriage and now this I really don’t know how i’m going to cope if it doesn’t eventuate. I hope that if its not meant to be that it happens sooner rather then later but I just really want this one to be alright. Every cramp, every twinge, every time I go to the bathroom its all I think about.

Its soo hard to think about but right now if I loose this one too I think I won’t be able to just start trying again straight away, its like there is something not right with my body 😦

Right now all I want to know is that I have a healthy bub and I want to fast forward till 13 weeks. Why does it have to be this hard?? Last time it was the second month trying and we now have a awesome son. I just want to know its all going to be okay. I don’t think I can handle something else going wrong, this is meant to be a better year then the previous 13 months of badluck I had!

Our bub is now gone :(

Yesterday afternoon wasn’t easy. The thought of going in for surgery to get rid of our baby that no longer had a heart beat was tough. Our little ‘mulberry’ was 9 weeks old. the excitement we had felt in the 5 weeks since we found out had filled us with excitement for what was to happen.

I spent yesterday still feeling morning sickness, then feeling sick from having to fast then feeling sick from fear of surgery. I just couldn’t believe what was about to happen, I guess I was hoping it was just a bad dream 😦 I hadn’t had any bleeding, I felt pregnant there was no signs besides no heart beat. But ofcourse it was the truth.

Yesterday afternoon we made our way to the hospital and I was dropped off. I checked in and the waiting began. it seemed like a long wait in the waiting room till I was called to the back. Once I was back there everything seemed to happen pretty fast and the questions started, what was I in for, why was I needing a d&c, how many weeks was I. Then there was the questions about what happened last year, how I got toxic shock, how long was I in hospital etc. Then there was the small chat they were all trying to make to distract me I guess. I was really starting to get nervous. after last years surgery I was freaking out about if something went wrong. Every time I saw my OB she seemed to look at me with sadness for me, I just really wanted it all to be over.  Before I knew it I was in the operating room and out of it.

Next i wake up and i’m in recovery. i feel a bit out of it but they have already given me a heat pack to help with the pain. i was feeling a lot more uncomfortable then i thought so i was given some pain relief. Because it was a narcotic i was then told i would have to stay for 2 hours to monitor me for reactions. i needed oxygen but then they tried me without it and i was fine. Best news was that they were going to bring my husband in since i had a bit of a wait. Once he was in i was feeling much better, i felt more alert and not soo alone. The staff were great and helped us out soo much. next thing i know they needed to get me a Anti D needle which i was worried about but ofcourse didn’t hurt. after that was home time yay! i got dressed was given some more pain tablets which they said might make me tired (that never happened). By 10pm we were home.

We debriefed and talked about it all for the next hour or so. Our son was over at the inlaws for the night so it made it soo much easier. i was in a little pain but nothing not to be expected. it was just bad as it kept reminding me of what happened. i was wide awake but was hoping i would sleep well. i think i got a couple hours sleep but then was awake again and ended up getting more a bit later in the morning. My brain was just going full ball about thinking about everything that has happened in the last 2 days.  This morning my morning sickness seemed to have gone and i could even eat a bowl of cereal that i haven’t been able to for the last week. i guess my body knew what had happened 😦

I still get teary thinking about it but it will just take time. I just really hope that next time we get a bub that is perfect as i don’t know how many times i could go through this again. I now realise until you go through it you don’t really understand.

because of my toxic shock syndrome from last year I’ve been checking my temperature just incase anything is changing but i’m feeling good so hopefully it stays that way.

now we just need to try and recover from this and move on. I hadn’t taken any belly shots yet this pregnancy, maybe i knew or something. we are going away for a few days so i’m hoping it will help things return to normal somewhat and help us move on and handle it.

Christmas is going to be bittersweet as i thought we would be expecting baby number 2 and have a great Christmas together. now that has all changed. We won’t forget about our little ‘mulberry’. i always thought it was a girl cause things just felt different but who knows.

I’m glad the experience of the d&c is over with and that it has helped us to move on and accept everything. We have grown together a lot through this and will take ages to forget about it. Our poor little bub 😦

just before I went into theatre I had a moment to rub my belly and say ‘bye bye little mulberry’.