The fear of the future unknowns can be scary

I’m currently 7dpo which means i’m in the middle of my TWW. So as usually every symptom is being questioned, every temperature I record is being analysed, every everything is being questioned.

We are going away this weekend with family for a celebration, which means there will be alcohol. Originally AF was meant to arrive on Saturday so I would of know if it was UTD or not by the time we went but I ovulated late this month. Now i’m tossing up the whole do I have a few half glasses of wine or do I not have any and risk family thinking oh maybe shes pregnant which I don’t want to happen. I never drink in my TWW so its new to me. I could test before I go on Saturday morning but i’m scared, i’m too scared to test, i’m too scared to just incase its positive but the next day turns out to be a negative again. I’m too scared to test cause if I get a bfn i’ll be disappointed. I’m too scared to test because I might be pregnant and i’m scared of how it will play out this time. The whole experience now makes me fearful of the unknowns.

Should I test Saturday before we go .. yes… at least if its negative I know that having a half drink wont impact anything. Its probably a bit selfish drinking if there is a chance I might be UTD but after 7 months plus the time before with my two miscarriages I just want to have a drink because it feels like i’m never going to fall pregnant and I always push off the drink just incase I am. I feel every month things get frozen, can’t book that holiday yet will wait to see if i’m knocked up this month first, can’t do that just incase i’m knocked up, can’t eat that, can’t drink that ahhh it all consumes us after awhile!

So readers should I test on Saturday? and should I be selfish and have those couple of half glasses of wine this weekend?



Hopefully i’m making a rainbow baby


Before I had my son I was naive to a lot of things that come from having a baby, I was naive about getting pregnant and really the heartache and joy that comes from it. Even with my son everything was soo simple. I fell pregnant 2nd month, I had a good pregnancy, fast labour .. then the issues started to happen.

Now I go into trying for a baby with a sense of fear a sense of uncertainty a sense of I don’t know what the future will hold.

A couple weeks ago we decided we will start trying again for number 2 (pregnancy number 4).

Am I ready for another loss … no.

Am I expecting to fall pregnant fast again .. yes

Am I expecting the pregnancy to make it to 12 weeks .. no

The fact i’m not ready for another loss but i’m expecting it worries me, its put a whole negative spin on it before its even begun. Until I am pregnant and see my way through a whole 9 months and hold my gorgeous baby in my arms i’m not sure i’ll believe its happening.

After my first loss I hated the term rainbow baby, I just wanted a baby I was in denial of what I had been through. I just thought I could get pregnant again and forget about what had happened. I was niave to the fact it might really happen again! Now its different now after another loss I want my rainbow baby, I want us to complete our family, I want our son to have a brother or sister.

According to my chart I ovulated a couple days ago. My luteul phase has still been on the shorter side so in roughly 9 days I will know what is going on if i’m pregnant or not. With everything that has happened and knowing how unpredictable these things are i’m still assuming that it will only take a cycle or two to fall pregnant. I’m probably the stupidest person saying that! Our son was second month, miscarriage 1 was second month, miscarriage 2 was first month. The odds are in our favor but I have to remember previous history means nothing when it comes to this so i’ll have to wait and see. Am I hoping to be pregnant this month .. yes. Will it break my heart if i’m not .. yes. But really I don’t want to just be pregnant ,I want to be pregnant with our perfect little baby the one that will continue to grow for 9 months and fill a void in my heart.

When we decided to try for number 2 I probably had the wrong idea. With everything that had happened the previous year I was hoping to get all the baby stuff over with my body. that was obvious the silliest thing I’ve said, I really didn’t know what the next 12 months was going to be like.

All I can do is try to be positive and hope that in 9 days my period doesn’t arrive but instead a positive pregnancy test instead!

oh and btw I don’t think i’ll ever look at a pregnancy test without feeling some sort of fear again … oh the days of innocency were great.

Here is to lots of rainbow baby vibes for everyone else reading who are patiently waiting for their rainbow baby.