Lightning doesn’t strike twice does it?

So two nights ago I was having some really awkward cramps right near my hip, they felt different to gas pains. I was having a little freak out yesterday so I decided to go to the gp. She was obviously concerned at the small chance of ectopic so she sent me for a scan.  Hubby came with me.

First was the abdominal scan which showed the heart beat and showed bub in the right place measuring at 6+1. Yesterday I should of been 6+6. Then it was time for the internal scan yay. It was the most painful internal scan I’ve had she was really pushing and making me sit up on my hands ouch. scan didn’t show much better best she measured was 6+2. I’m a bit devastated at that its almost taken away from seeing the heart beat.

I know the day I ovulated because I was charting. I was expecting to be maybe a couple days behind but not 4 or 5! With my first missed miscarriage my first scan I was measuring 6 days behind. The last couple of days has seen me start to loose my pregnancy symptoms. Friday / Saturday I had full on morning sickness (not spewing luckily) but now its pretty much non existent. bloating has decreased, gas is decreasing, nipples are still sensitive though.

My first ob appointment is next Thursday that’s 9 days away. i’m preparing myself that’s its going to happen again that there will no longer be a heart beat that something will once again be wrong with bub. I know its really bad thinking this way but why are my symptoms going again ahhhh. please please little bub prove me wrong next Thursday!!

Pity party for one

I knew it was only a matter of time before my good mood came crashing down .. and it happened last night.

I was catching up with friends for dinner, luckily the one with the newborn baby (due same time I was due) didn’t show up. I knew there were 2 pregnant ladies but when I arrived there were 3! and to make matters worse the 3rd is having twins!

I’m happy for them but when you get a group of 5 girls together and 3 are pregnant the conversation automatically goes to pregnancy and babies. I felt like I wanted to run, escape, get out of there. I had wished I had come up with a reason to leave earlier, I had wished that the conversation would of changed .. but it didn’t .. it stays baby related. for a short time our toddlers were discussed but mainly it was babies.

I walked out of their after a agonising 2 hours and got the my car, all I wanted to do was cry, cry for what I didn’t have, cry for what could of been, cry cause I feel i’m being left behind on this trying to conceive rollercoaster. I managed to drive home with just a few tears luckily.

I’m just soo scared that we will return from holidays next month and I still won’t be pregnant and that I will have to start the rollercoaster of finding out whats wrong.

Today i’m having a pity party all for myself.

One day it will be me .. one day ….

 

Waiting waiting waiting

Should it really be called two week wait or the two week torture?? I only ovulated on Wednesday but I have a feeling it will be a long 12 day wait to see the outcome.

This month our 5th month trying I’ve changed things, I decided to flick my basal thermometer (although I did pull it out to check I ovualated). Hubby had a grand idea and decided that dtd (doing the deed) every second day wasn’t sufficient and his suggestion was we needed to dtd every day, so what did we do .. we did the deed for 7 days in a row! if that hasn’t guaranteed little boys waiting there for eggy i’m not sure what will. I’ve also found things a bit more positive this month so far, I started properly exercising, i’m not sure if its spring or if its just i’m finally properly ready for this to happen again or what but i’m feeling good. Although I always feel a bit cruddy after ovulation .. silly hormones, crampy, hungry, refluxy yuck!!

To some degree all this change is the fact I’ve given my self till we are back from holidays next month and if we are still not pregnant its time to get things looked at, its time for a trip back to ob and gp to find what is going on why this isn’t happening fast this time. by then it will be 6 months of trying and we both don’t want to hit that mark.

This journey is one a lot of people don’t experience, it probably seems silly to a lot of people but to those experiencing it its hard its like time has paused and is dragging by soo slowly and right now i’m trying to distract myself to pass time quickly. Its been 14 months since we started trying, who would of thought it was going to take that long to fall pregnant with our final bub for our family. Who would of thought that in that time we would experience the loss of two babies.

I looked at the calendar early today and realised I should be 36+6 right now with our second lost pregnancy. Our son arrived at 37+1 .. right now I would of been getting nervous that we would have a new addition any day. I try not to dwell on the second loss, it was different, it was physically harder and in some ways emotionally harder but it was a blighted ovum .. there never was a baby.

All I can think to do right now and try to keep exercising the next 2 weeks and hope that it helps little bub attach and hope that the perfect combo has been made and that in 1 1/2 weeks or soon we get those two lines we really want to see. If AF arrives I just hope I can be strong and not have too big of a pity party.

I look back at old me all that time ago and realise how nieve I was thinking making a baby would be easy. I know a lot of people it just happens and they hardly have to try and hardly have to do anything and their are pregnant and they carry their babies to term but for the rest of us its not that fairytale storyline. Big hugs to all of you out there!

Whenever it is that the right baby waiting to meet us I know my pregnancy journey won’t be filled of whinging about not being able to drink and not being able to eat certain foods, it will be filled with worry, hope and magic … with feeling horrible at times thrown in!!

Here is hoping that the end of the month brings us some good news!!

4th of July

Today was my due date for when I was meant to be having bub but due to miscarriage I never got to meet my bub. Its been such a tough couple of days. Yesterday morning my period showed up 😦 I was already upset by this and then add in a due date and i’m feeling all over the shot today. I’m hoping after today I can put all this baby miscarriage stuff behind me and just move on.

7 months ago I found at at 9 weeks that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and since then its been one huge emotional rollercoaster.  I still can remember the day clearly, I still can remember talking to my new obstetrician for ages about a game plan to minimise potential issues etc and then finally getting the scan. I remember she couldn’t see a heartbeat and she just asked me to go to the toilet so she could do a internal scan. my husband was none the wiser, but I knew what was going on, baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. I remember breaking down crying when she said the words and then being told options of how to proceed. I remember walking out the room crying feeling soo numb and waiting outside for my husband to walk out as there was no way I was going to the counter to settle my account after that. I remember seeing people walk past me looking at me probably wondering what had just happened, what news I had been told. I remember going home and crying the most I’ve ever cried in my life and it taking a couple of hours before I felt somewhat able to cope again. The in laws had been at our house looking after our son so I had to get dh to go up first and tell them so I could go hide in our room as I wasn’t in the position to see anyone. i remember getting ready the next afternoon to go in for my d&c and breaking down again because i was getting ready to have my baby removed, I had only known of the baby for 5 weeks but it was 5 weeks of excitement of new life. Just writing this and thinking of all this makes me tear up. Soo many details are still fresh in my memory and it will be a long time before they are gone. Little did I know a couple months later I would start that saga of pregnancy loss again but in a whole different way.

I can now say its also been the longest its taken us to fall pregnant as well! With my son it was the second cycle. pregnancy #2 was second cycle, pregnancy #3 was first cycle and now I’ve just had my second cycle and nothing so hopefully its lucky third! I’m now in foreign territory this whole who knows when it will happen thing.

To make matters worse today my son has been acting like a complete crazy kid. having a tantrum in the supermarket on the day I have the least amount of patience ahhh kids are fun. Days like today I just don’t want to adult. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and not have to be responsible for a little human. To make things worse my friend had a baby a couple days ago and I keep seeing her photos on facebook. there is a limit to how many times you can fake like photos haha.

I was feeling soo happy and soo confident it was my month I was really feeling it was it but turns out to be nothing more then false hope. I have another due date coming up in October but luckily for me I don’t know the actual date, it was a pregnancy that seemed to be over before it began.

Due dates suck!! I really hope my day starts to get better. Bring on a end of July positive test I say!!

I feel happy and content

I’m not sure what has changed but something has. Every since I ovulated this cycle I feel content for some reason. Once I knew I had ovulated I’ve just had this feeling that this month might be it. Everything is just seeming right .. timing wise and all.

My son is almost 2 years 2 months and he seems to have matured a lot in the last couple of months. you can tell hes ready to have a baby in the house, he loves cuddles, loves babies, loves helping out with little jobs.

Me I feel the time is right, I feel normal again, I don’t feel ultra hormonal, I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel resentful, I don’t know I just feel calm. Considering all this next week is my babies due date, when I should of been holding my bub in my arms, its marked on our calendar and i’m not sure I want to see it all next month.

I feel ready. I’m ready for the challenge of being pregnant again, i’m ready for what lies ahead in the unknown world our lives are. I feel like my healing is almost done and its time to move on. I’m not sure i’ll be thinking soo positive next week if it turns out i’m not pregnant and AF arrives to kick me in the guts. Next Monday .. the due date… might be a bit tough then, but for now i’m soak it all in.

I’m ready to grow attached to a little bean in side my belly and protect it and nurture it for 9 months, I just have a feeling the universe might say its time too. Previously we have fallen pregnant the first or second cycle trying. Last month was soo forced, this month was fun and natural it just felt right again.

I feel like I just need to cross my fingers and toes and in 7 days i’ll be celebrating not crying.

I need some happiness stat!

All I feel like I do is whinge…poor me etc I just feel like the past 18 months has been constant hurdles..I need some happiness to break it up!

Today I should of been 37+1 the same gestation that I had my son…I should be meeting my next bub but I’m not.

I remember thinking back when I had toxic shock and thinking after okay let’s have another baby, let’s to some degree get this baby making phase of our lives over. I love my son, I didn’t hate pregnancy, I just hate everything that has happened with my body after. I thought I had my happiness, nope miscarriage… Thought I might of had it again.. Nope another miscarriage. We have started trying again but first month has been a fail. I just want my body to show me it can do something positive.

My son is now 2 and he’s being soo gently with toys, rocking his teddy, giving it kisses.. He would of been perfect with a little brother it sister now. I feel to some degree he’s missing out.

Hopefully soon it all happens for us!

Hopefully i’m making a rainbow baby

Before I had my son I was naive to a lot of things that come from having a baby, I was naive about getting pregnant and really the heartache and joy that comes from it. Even with my son everything was soo simple. I fell pregnant 2nd month, I had a good pregnancy, fast labour .. then the issues started to happen.

Now I go into trying for a baby with a sense of fear a sense of uncertainty a sense of I don’t know what the future will hold.

A couple weeks ago we decided we will start trying again for number 2 (pregnancy number 4).

Am I ready for another loss … no.

Am I expecting to fall pregnant fast again .. yes

Am I expecting the pregnancy to make it to 12 weeks .. no

The fact i’m not ready for another loss but i’m expecting it worries me, its put a whole negative spin on it before its even begun. Until I am pregnant and see my way through a whole 9 months and hold my gorgeous baby in my arms i’m not sure i’ll believe its happening.

After my first loss I hated the term rainbow baby, I just wanted a baby I was in denial of what I had been through. I just thought I could get pregnant again and forget about what had happened. I was niave to the fact it might really happen again! Now its different now after another loss I want my rainbow baby, I want us to complete our family, I want our son to have a brother or sister.

According to my chart I ovulated a couple days ago. My luteul phase has still been on the shorter side so in roughly 9 days I will know what is going on if i’m pregnant or not. With everything that has happened and knowing how unpredictable these things are i’m still assuming that it will only take a cycle or two to fall pregnant. I’m probably the stupidest person saying that! Our son was second month, miscarriage 1 was second month, miscarriage 2 was first month. The odds are in our favor but I have to remember previous history means nothing when it comes to this so i’ll have to wait and see. Am I hoping to be pregnant this month .. yes. Will it break my heart if i’m not .. yes. But really I don’t want to just be pregnant ,I want to be pregnant with our perfect little baby the one that will continue to grow for 9 months and fill a void in my heart.

When we decided to try for number 2 I probably had the wrong idea. With everything that had happened the previous year I was hoping to get all the baby stuff over with my body. that was obvious the silliest thing I’ve said, I really didn’t know what the next 12 months was going to be like.

All I can do is try to be positive and hope that in 9 days my period doesn’t arrive but instead a positive pregnancy test instead!

oh and btw I don’t think i’ll ever look at a pregnancy test without feeling some sort of fear again … oh the days of innocency were great.

Here is to lots of rainbow baby vibes for everyone else reading who are patiently waiting for their rainbow baby.

 

What could of been

Everytime I think i’m getting over all this it just comes back now its the loaming due date that’s getting me. I should be due in 2 1/2 months but instead i’m not pregnant for a second time. It makes me feel soo upset sometimes I should be 6 months pregnant instead I just have a wobbly belly because after both miscarriages I decide to have a junk food binge. I just want to be trying for another baby again and being pregnant again but I know that waiting will hopefully be good for us but I just don’t know anymore. This baby making business is hard work and i’m just inpatient and want to be pregnant with my perfect baby. I just want to have something positive to look forward to not a I wonder if it will happen for a third time. I just want to know its all going to be okay next time and that i’m not going to have to go through this again. All I want is one more baby, just one more pregnancy, just one more moment in time that I grow a human being and then our family will be complete. A girl, a boy it doesn’t matter .. I just wish I had a crystal ball to know that its going to be okay next time. Only time will tell I guess and I’ve only just finished my miscarriage cycle so still a bit of waiting before we try again. July 4 is going to be one tough day knowing what could of been 😦

Onwards and upwards?

At the moment I seem to be all over the shot,  one day happy and rearing to go and the next just feeling a bit flat and unsure.

Today I went for a run… I’m feeling great now!

I need to make a decision do I start training for a 5km run coming up (the 14km is too long for 8 weeks training)  or do I just run when I want with no pressure.  To some degree I need a break from all this baby stuff… I need another focus.

This would be the perfect thing,  I get back into exercise,  I have a distraction for the next 2 months and maybe can even prove to myself that has I can do something.  My run this morning want long and it took me a about  18mins to run 3km hmmm I would want to improve on that heaps for sure.  To run the 5km in under  30 would be my goal.

To enter the race or not to hmmm decisions decisions

I want to be back to normal

Some days I feel positive and optimistic and other days like today I feel upset, angry and just plain annoyed at my myself and my body.

It’s been 42 days since I first to misoprostol to induce mmiscarriage and 17 days since my d&c and I’m still waiting to ovulate. My temps on my chart drop but nothing happens,I just want this cycle and miscarriage to be over!

Miscarriage is hard but dealing with everything after sure is a test of patience! Ahh to dream of those days when pregnancy was soo innocent and happy. Right now it’s just filled with heart break.